abor is hard work, and truly, there are times when, no matter what anyone does, you partner’s not going to be comfortable.

But there’s plenty you can do to make a difference.

Most important, stay close by, follow her lead, and be yourself (as long as you don’t irritate her). To make her feel calmer and more comfortable, remember these basics:

Be patient. It may seem like forever. But the baby will eventually arrive. Truly.

Be present. Stay close to her. Feeling you near will often be enough.

Be positive. There will be times that she will be scared, feel hopeless, or want to give up. And sometimes things do get scary, crazy, or out of control. Regardless of what you’re feeling inside, keep her spirits up.

Be thoughtful. Stroke her cheek. Kiss her forehead. Show her that you love her and are proud of her. Little gestures can make a world of difference.

Be adaptable. You may think you’ve found the answer to making her feel more comfortable. Maybe you remember something from your birthing class that you truly think will help, but she’s not interested. Let it go. Great as they may be, don’t force your ideas on her. Just try something else.

Also know that during labor, things can change at the drop of a hat. You have to be flexible. Everything you two talked about can get thrown out the window. If she wants medication, support her. If there needs to be some sort of intervention, let it happen. In the end, it’s all about keeping the mom and baby safe and healthy.

Be the bigger person. She may curse, scream, yell, and blame you for everything that she’s going through. Truly, it can get ugly at times. But let it go. And don’t take it personally.

The challenge is that even if you’re not naturally thoughtful, sensitive, or in tune with your partner’s emotions and needs (and let’s face it, how many of us are?), you need to get into the zone because that’s what the game is about.

When in doubt, keep your mouth closed. What’s most important is to be there, holding her hand or stroking her forehead. This kind of physical attention generally doesn’t backfire.