was lucky when I was pregnant with my first child. I had three good friends who delivered their first babies just a few months ahead of me. I shopped with them for diapers, listened intently to their birth stories and advice on strollers and breastfeeding, and felt grateful that I had them for support. My husband took childbirth preparation classes and read every childbirth book available. I felt as well prepared for motherhood as I thought I could possibly be.

I loved my baby intensely from the moment she was born. Still, in those first several weeks, I was stunned by a number of things: the depth of my fatigue, the effort required to breastfeed, my upended sense of self. I was overwhelmed by the way my body looked and felt, the isolation from other adults, the intensity of my emotions, the tedium of household tasks, apprehension about working outside the home, and the anxiety about my baby’s development. Despite all of my preparation, I was surprised by early motherhood’s emotional and practical challenges – issues that I now know are completely normal. Why didn’t any of my friends, childbirth classmates, or sisters-in-law tell me?

I couldn’t imagine that my reactions to becoming a mother were so unusual, yet no one ever seemed to talk about the less appealing parts of new motherhood. Cautiously, I asked my closest friends. Do your nipples hurt like hell? Are you sometimes unbearably lonely? Does your baby ever sleep through the night? Do you ever feel sexy? Do you love every minute, but sometimes hate it, too? Every time I brought up a topic or asked about some aspect of new motherhood that I found surprising or uncomfortable, I would find the same response: eager agreement, commiseration, and support.

It was amazing. Whether with a friend or an unknown new mom I’d encounter at the park, it was always the same. After the initial pleasantries (“How old is your baby?” or “Isn’t it a beautiful - or dreary - day?”) I would casually throw in, “Isn’t it great to get out of the house? I sometimes feel so isolated!” The reaction was so predictable. “Yes!!! Me too!!” Often, I could sense the other mother thanking me for bringing up exactly what she had been thinking; sometimes she would actually say those words. Sharing real, complicated feelings and concerns about motherhood always made us both feel better. 

Most new moms are thrilled when someone else allows the conversation to go beyond the superficial. Opening a conversation to the unsavory sides of motherhood takes courage, but it also brings relief, empathy, and often, deeper friendship. So take a deep breath, and be the first on your block to share your feelings. Tell another mom that you’re tired or bored or whatever you are feeling. Talk about the challenges you face as well as the joys. You and the other new moms in your life will be so glad you did.